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Victimhood has been one of the biggest things I’ve had to work with over the past few years.
A few years ago I was talking to a friend about it, and he recommended an exercise that has been incredibly helpful.
Here it is…I call it writing a “for me list.”
Write out the circumstance or frustration that is bothering you.
Then list out everything that has happened in your life as a result of it. It’s important to include the challenging things, the neutral things, and the positive things.
Once you’ve made your list, highlight everything that’s been positive or neutral.
From here, reflect on how this particular event has beneficially shaped you. Use these insights to create a refined list of reasons why this challenging circumstance has happened for you.
Keep your for me list on a phone note that’s easily accessible and look at it daily for a few weeks. I found it helpful to attach this practice to an existing habit. For me, that was at the end of my morning meditation.
It can be tempting to treat reading your for me list like a checklist item to get through. This probably won’t help that much.
Instead, I recommend trying to slow down and really feel a sense of appreciation and gratitude for all the ways this circumstance has shaped you.
Keep doing this practice until you genuinely feel that your heart is open towards the circumstance.
Here’s a real example from my life.
My biggest bout with victimhood has been around a decline in health.
Through this process, I’ve learned that chronic health issues usually arise when there’s a perfect storm of emotional, physical, and/or chemical trauma.
In the span of one year, I lost my dad to suicide, had my heart broken, and was injured by the COVID vaccine. This perfect storm left me in a prolonged state of pain, chronic fatigue, brain fog, and a bunch of other ailments. I went from being the healthiest person I knew to feeling physically and cognitively impaired.
For a while, I was incredibly bitter about the whole thing, especially the vaccine. I felt like I had the prime of my life ripped away from me and I was PISSED.
All the consciousness work I’d done provided an intellectual understanding that at some point I’d see that this situation was happening for me and that these circumstances were likely something a higher aspect of myself signed up for.
However, even with this understanding, consistently holding a positive outlook about my condition and its causes felt like a herculean effort.
I remember one of my teachers telling me about how I was mirroring the wounded healer archetype... to which I responded, “I don’t want to be an f*$#ing wounded healer! I just want to feel vitality and have my brain work again!”
Embracing the for me list process really started how I related to the whole situation.
Here's a screenshot of mine for this particular scenario:
I read this note very day as part of my morning routine until I really started to notice a shift. I’d also come back to it when I found myself meandering into victim land.
Over time, my perspective began to take on a new meaning. I started to embrace the idea that God / Source / Universe was forging me and making me stronger. This wasn’t just something I told myself to feel better. I got to the point where I really believed it was true and felt good about it.
I also tried to reinforce this belief by building new mental reflexes. Every time I’d notice my pain, I’d go into my heart and mentally say, “Thank you for forging me. Thank you for this dojo.” Sometimes I’d find myself doing this over 50 times a day. Eventually, this thinking pattern became more automatic.
It’s been almost 6 years since my perfect storm. I am still moving through the recovery and have my victim moments from time to time. But they are far less frequent than they once were. I credit this process as one tool that’s been extremely supportive for the shift.
Here’s a summary of the for me list process:
Write out a circumstance or challenge that is bothering you.
List out all consequences in your life: positive, negative, and neutral.
Review the positive and neutral consequences and create a refined list of how this has positively shaped you.
Keep the list somewhere handy like on your phone and review it daily, aiming for a felt sense of appreciation and gratitude while you do it.
Return to the note and/or an affirmation anytime you feel yourself falling back into victim mode.
Continue this process until there’s a genuine shift in perspective.
I hope you find this helpful.
-Scott