Early Fatherhood Reflections
I've been a dad for 3.5 weeks. Some thoughts so far
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A little less than one month ago, my partner Zaharo and I welcomed our beautiful daughter Anastacia into the world!
It’s our first child and as expected, it’s been a wonderful experience full of love and learning!
I thought I’d take this opportunity to reflect on some observations in the earliest innings of fatherhood that relate to topics discussed on this substack.
Stewardship For Your Experience
My daughter coming into the world has had an immense overlap with a growing awareness of why I am here.
For most of my life I considered purpose was something to be discovered. You commonly hear the phrase “finding their purpose” which implies some sort of external seeking.
The texture of what’s emerging for me these days feels more like a remembrance. There’s lots of information coming into my awareness and puzzle pieces fitting together that are bringing things into focus in a way I guess I couldn’t see before.
This has created clarity as to why I had many of the life experiences I did. What I thought was the game, was really just a preparation for the real game: service.
If you couldn’t tell, I believe in reincarnation.
As part of this, I believe that we choose our parents and initial circumstances when we come into this world as part of a broader opt-in evolutionary curriculum and experience we want to move towards. I think this is done in collusion with your family and other formative life influences.
I’ve found taking responsibility for your familial relationship in this way is incredibly healing.
Let’s face it. Our parents can be the source of many of our wounds, patterns, and programming. Even if you have a supposed “great childhood” you are subject to the molding of these influences while everyone is simply trying to do the best that they can.
If you had a tough childhood or some scattered challenging experiences it can be easy to resent your circumstances. Why did this bad shit happen to me as a kid?
Not to diminish anyone’s hardships, but I don’t know a single person who didn’t have tough experiences happen to them as a kid. Even people who had a great childhood have wounds they may not be aware of. Our ego is saavy in its ability to obscure these experiences.
When we choose to believe that a higher Self chooses these circumstances with a specific evolutionary purpose, it completely shifts the dynamic. We go from life happening to us (victimhood) to life happening for us. It can quickly transform perceived hardships to experiences that can be met with acceptance, compassion, and gratitude. We see without the hardships we’ve never be afforded the opportunity to learn and evolve.
If you choose to believe this, you may open to the idea that you got what a deeper part of Self wanted. You just may not have been able to recognize it.
I know many people who have tough upbringings may read this and may consider this complete bullshit. How could I ever choose an entry point that was so horrible? Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t. I don’t really know. I’m just a guy sharing his personal experience and beliefs on the internet.
I just know that taking personal responsibility always seems to absolve me of the pains of victimhood in all areas of life, including what seems inherited. Perhaps reading this is an invitation to open to a more expansive evolutionary timeline than this particular snapshot on Earth you find yourself in.
Now that I have a little human I am responsible for, I keep looking at her and wondering - I wonder what you came here to learn, contribute, and experience?
Whatever it is, my intention is to be a steward to that journey. To support you and love you as best I can, so that you can experience the majesty of life in a way that satisfies the deepest parts of your being.
Part of the way I hope to support you through this journey is by teaching the power awareness both explicitly and through leading by example. I fully expect to have my moments and I already have. But I hope to show you how to use these moments to take inner and outer responsibility for whatever life throws at you. This is where your power is.
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An Open Window
In Zen Buddhism, Shamanism, and Native American spirituality there is a concept of the hollow bone. It’s often used in the healing context and when a healer becomes an empty vessel, devoid of ego and conditioning, so that the Divine can work through them.
When I look at our little nugget, I don’t think she’s necessarily channeling the Divine, but can’t help but see how clear of a window she is right now to the more ultimate reality that often eludes the traditional human senses.
This can show up in a few ways. She seems to be incredibly attune to my state. If I’m hurried or flustered, she becomes flustered. If I’m calm, she seems more calm. Sometimes her reactions seem to respond to thoughts in my mind!? All this is like a big mirror to me. There is no doubt she will be showing me lots of where my work is in the coming years.
The clearer a channel someone is, the more they mirror back information to other people. I talked about this mirror phenomenon with Angelo Dillulo on my podcast and learned this from Eckhart Tolle in his course on Becoming a Teacher of Presence. It’s one reason why many people become incredibly uncomfortable around spiritual beings who’ve purified the contents of their consciousness. Even though they may be unconscious of it, a part of their being does not like the reflection!
I also find it fascinating how she responds to her physical environment.
In the absence of breastfeeding, there is nothing more calming to her than when we walk outside the house. She falls asleep instantly moments after wailing inside our home. I can’t help but think about how her state could be mirroring the shift in energetics when she enters the coherent, calming frequencies of nature vs. the scattershot energetic environment of home filled with electronics. Who knows!
I know it’s very early days, but all in all I’m finding the first month of parenthood more manageable than many people made it out to be.
One thing you definitely learn is to take what everyone else says about parenting with a grain of salt. Just like I’ve learned with everyone out there telling you how to grow spiritually, you can take what's useful and discard what’s not. Your experience is going to be your experience, and this is where you find your ultimate truth.
I know I have a lot to learn and that this little one will be an incredible teacher for me and hopefully I for her.
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