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"Why would the ocean look for a cup of saltwater?" - anonymous spiritual teacher
There is a wonderful story of a Zen master that encountered a very motivated student who was determined to become enlightened. When the student asked how to become enlightened, the master gave him some daily practices.
The student then asked, “how long will it take before I am enlightened?”
The master looked at him for a few moments and replied, “For you, 10 years.”
The student then replied, “But what if I do these exercises twice as long every day?”
The master paused and then replied, “Then it will take you 20 years.”
When I first heard this story, I couldn’t help but laugh. It seemed like me and the student had a lot in common.
I have always pursued the things I’ve wanted in life with a certain level of intensity and dedication. For most of my life, I thought this was my superpower.
The evolution of my consciousness was the first aspiration where I eventually came to the realization that my ambition was actually getting in the way of my growth. I think this is likely the case for a lot of seekers depending upon where you are at in your evolutionary journey.
Your Ego Is A Helpful Partner…For A Bit
The ego's ambition and desire to accelerate spiritual growth is a natural part of evolution. There needs to be a strong concept that by focusing inward, you will get something in return in order to motivate you to begin to make changes and invest more in your spirituality.
For traditionally intense people like me, this often results in applying similar mindsets to how we were conditioned to achieve in the material world. The mental imprinting might look something like this:
“If I apply more effort and right practice, I will get results more rapidly.”
And for a while there is some truth to this. When I recognized that the path to the unconditional joy I had been seeking my entire life was more “in here” than “out there,” I applied the same hyper vigilance to my spiritual growth that I had to every other pursuit in my life.
It seemed to have served me based on how the world reacted to my accomplishments so why would I treat this undertaking anything differently?
I would meditate or do qigong for an hour a day. I was constantly reading spiritual books. Every time I was walking somewhere, I was consuming some type of podcast related to consciousness or spirituality.
At a certain point, I recognized that unconscious imprints were the driver of my life experience. With similar vigor to my practices and information intake, I became obsessed with unpacking my unconsciousness.
I was constantly seeing healers, bodyworkers, and going to spiritual classes to try to uncover and release things. If I was experiencing some somatic release which has been seemingly constant for four years since my Kundalini awakening, I’d “try to feel the shit out of it.”
For a period, I viewed psychedelics as an accelerant to my process because they allowed me to see the unseen. Paradoxically, I’d eventually see this seeking was holding me back.
During all of this, I also became a militant watcher of my thoughts. My awareness was like a sentinel trying to identify unsupportive thought forms that seemingly held the keys to some energetic imprint that needed to be unwound.
Truth be told, I did experience lots of rapid growth. And in classic ego fashion, there was some level of attribution to my devotion and doing. The good ol’ ego loves to take credit for things.
One day it dawned on me that all these things I was doing were the same old mastermind at work. All these behaviors were merely a strategy emanating from an ego that lacked trust and felt unsafe. It’s response was expressed by an intense desire to “do spirituality right” in order to get somewhere before negative consequences transpired.
During this phase of growth it was very hard to recognize this dynamic. Until it wasn’t.