This lesson only took 3 years to internalize 😬
Scott, I could have written this myself! I have a former life as an investment banker and put all of that analytics & drive into my spiritual quest until, like you, I felt supremely burnt out. Just last week I googled the question -- “what happens when the seeker stops seeking?” I realized how much ego was driving my desire for spiritual ascension and it felt so misaligned....fear-based, competitive, exhausting. (Google’s answers were, paradoxically, exactly what I was seeking- “you have arrived” etc, which of course positively reinforced the seeking ;) But I looked around my bedroom and saw ego evidence everywhere, as if revealed with black light. I thought- do I get rid of the books? Just completely surrender to my I AM presence? But intuitively I know that my spiritual practices bring me deep into my heart space. So I decided to feel into my body when I’m doing spiritual work- am I doing it out of love? Or am I doing it out of fear? If love, continue. If not, let it go. It was such a treat to read your words today, thank you for articulating the “doing vs being” paradox so well.
My teacher in Shambhala Buddhism once described it as (paraphrasing) "People are artificially creating goalposts and levels in their own lives. They pseudo-consciously create obstacles and effort needed to allow themselves to reach those levels (change their identity). They spend all of their lives within those levels and obstacles, having "forgotten" they created them at all."
Beautifully written Scott! Could not agree more, thank you for sharing your journey, and insights experienced along the way:)
I love this Scott, lots of identification. The sneaky old ego, eh? I find myself moving more & more in a direction of gentleness as I get older, putting less pressure on myself to be different, and allowing more of the grace of how things are in. I even find myself wanting to get better at not wanting to get better..... At least I can smile! Looking forward to reading more of your work 🙏🏻
Scott, I believe you are right. What will be revealed will be revealed in its own time. We are passengers here letting Spirit drive. D
Awesome post, Scott! In my experience, the ego is constantly mutating to get back in control and keep me safe. The external pursuit ego morphs into an internal pursuit ego. It’s quite crafty in disguising itself. Like you said - recognize it as another ego and accept it.