Scott, I could have written this myself! I have a former life as an investment banker and put all of that analytics & drive into my spiritual quest until, like you, I felt supremely burnt out. Just last week I googled the question -- “what happens when the seeker stops seeking?” I realized how much ego was driving my desire for spiritual ascension and it felt so misaligned....fear-based, competitive, exhausting. (Google’s answers were, paradoxically, exactly what I was seeking- “you have arrived” etc, which of course positively reinforced the seeking ;) But I looked around my bedroom and saw ego evidence everywhere, as if revealed with black light. I thought- do I get rid of the books? Just completely surrender to my I AM presence? But intuitively I know that my spiritual practices bring me deep into my heart space. So I decided to feel into my body when I’m doing spiritual work- am I doing it out of love? Or am I doing it out of fear? If love, continue. If not, let it go. It was such a treat to read your words today, thank you for articulating the “doing vs being” paradox so well.
Thanks for reading and sharing your experience Jess! I see lots of myself in it. Many moments of what the hell did I get into?!? I thought this was going to make me happier!? I think this is all part of the process. The concept that I was using spiritual growth to basically try to escape my mortality was pretty mindblowing. Sounds like you have arrived at a similar conclusion. Hopefully more downhill from here for us both : )
My teacher in Shambhala Buddhism once described it as (paraphrasing) "People are artificially creating goalposts and levels in their own lives. They pseudo-consciously create obstacles and effort needed to allow themselves to reach those levels (change their identity). They spend all of their lives within those levels and obstacles, having "forgotten" they created them at all."
I love this Scott, lots of identification. The sneaky old ego, eh? I find myself moving more & more in a direction of gentleness as I get older, putting less pressure on myself to be different, and allowing more of the grace of how things are in. I even find myself wanting to get better at not wanting to get better..... At least I can smile! Looking forward to reading more of your work 🙏🏻
Awesome post, Scott! In my experience, the ego is constantly mutating to get back in control and keep me safe. The external pursuit ego morphs into an internal pursuit ego. It’s quite crafty in disguising itself. Like you said - recognize it as another ego and accept it.
Thanks for sharing your story Christina. I kind of think everyone goes through it to some extent. I think it's likely more pronounced in some than others. I am grateful for this experience as well : )
Scott, I could have written this myself! I have a former life as an investment banker and put all of that analytics & drive into my spiritual quest until, like you, I felt supremely burnt out. Just last week I googled the question -- “what happens when the seeker stops seeking?” I realized how much ego was driving my desire for spiritual ascension and it felt so misaligned....fear-based, competitive, exhausting. (Google’s answers were, paradoxically, exactly what I was seeking- “you have arrived” etc, which of course positively reinforced the seeking ;) But I looked around my bedroom and saw ego evidence everywhere, as if revealed with black light. I thought- do I get rid of the books? Just completely surrender to my I AM presence? But intuitively I know that my spiritual practices bring me deep into my heart space. So I decided to feel into my body when I’m doing spiritual work- am I doing it out of love? Or am I doing it out of fear? If love, continue. If not, let it go. It was such a treat to read your words today, thank you for articulating the “doing vs being” paradox so well.
Thanks for reading and sharing your experience Jess! I see lots of myself in it. Many moments of what the hell did I get into?!? I thought this was going to make me happier!? I think this is all part of the process. The concept that I was using spiritual growth to basically try to escape my mortality was pretty mindblowing. Sounds like you have arrived at a similar conclusion. Hopefully more downhill from here for us both : )
Smooth downhill skiing sounds just about right. (And ps, such gold in the comments on this post!) 🙏🏻
My teacher in Shambhala Buddhism once described it as (paraphrasing) "People are artificially creating goalposts and levels in their own lives. They pseudo-consciously create obstacles and effort needed to allow themselves to reach those levels (change their identity). They spend all of their lives within those levels and obstacles, having "forgotten" they created them at all."
Beautifully said man! Was great to see you IRL on that call : )
Beautifully written Scott! Could not agree more, thank you for sharing your journey, and insights experienced along the way:)
It's my honor and joy!
I love this Scott, lots of identification. The sneaky old ego, eh? I find myself moving more & more in a direction of gentleness as I get older, putting less pressure on myself to be different, and allowing more of the grace of how things are in. I even find myself wanting to get better at not wanting to get better..... At least I can smile! Looking forward to reading more of your work 🙏🏻
Thanks Satya! How sneaky our ego is : )
Scott, I believe you are right. What will be revealed will be revealed in its own time. We are passengers here letting Spirit drive. D
For sure. It takes a while to realize "our timeline" isn't always the divine timeline...and then be okay with it all : )
Awesome post, Scott! In my experience, the ego is constantly mutating to get back in control and keep me safe. The external pursuit ego morphs into an internal pursuit ego. It’s quite crafty in disguising itself. Like you said - recognize it as another ego and accept it.
For a primitive mechanism, it's pretty damn clever! sounds like we have similar experiences
Thanks for sharing your story Christina. I kind of think everyone goes through it to some extent. I think it's likely more pronounced in some than others. I am grateful for this experience as well : )